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Life

What Really Happens When You Do it Afraid

Do it Afraid

When I dare to be powerful – to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde

Last year I took on one of the biggest, scariest, projects of my freelance career so far. From first contact to completion, I was over here on this MacBook shook okay. Now, I know my fear was irrational at the end of the day, but that didn’t make me feel any less scared. That was over a year ago, and since then I’ve taken on new and challenging things, but nothing quite as scary as that. Interestingly enough though, I find myself in that familiar space once again. Where I’m being challenged to do something that is completely out of my comfort zone and yes, scary. To give myself a pep talk I thought back onto this project and reflected on how I overcame my fear. To remind myself–and you–what happens when you do it afraid.

You don’t stop being afraid, you push through.

There is nothing wrong with being scared. I think sometimes we’re so quick to slap a negative connotation to fear and dismiss it. It’s okay to be nervous. It’s just not okay to let that fear or nervousness control you. You can push through even with the fear. That’s essential to know. That fear doesn’t stop you from being able to do something unless you let it.

You acknowledge the “imposter” but you know the real

For this particular instance and many other instances, my fear was rooted in feeling like I wasn’t good enough or doubting myself. Like who I am to do this? Especially with the fact that I created this career for myself, literally, there was no straight path. I’m calling myself something because that’s what I do but somewhere I was seeking that validation. Imposter syndrome is real. But, you gotta let that go. If you were asked, hired, contacted, sought out, approved to do something, it’s because you can. You’ve shown that much or else you would have gotten the polite “No thank you, I’m fine.” You’ll probably always feel like an imposter. I feel like an imposter adult and I’ve technically been doing this thing for 12 years and I’m responsible for three humans so I mean…if that doesn’t tell you something than I don’t know what does!

Get real with the worst case scenario

“But did you die?” Hangover voice. I know it sounds crazy but during the course of this project, when I felt like I literally wasn’t going to make it I looked at the worse case scenario. I’d submit my work and they wouldn’t like it. That was it. There was nothing after that. Sometimes you just have to look your fear straight in the eye, and when you do you realize, it isn’t even that scary after all.

You rest on the knowledge that YOU HAVE THE TOOLS.

If there is one thing that I’ve come to realize as a freelance creative it’s that, my creativity truly is limitless. If something is brought to me, if I envision something, if I think of something, I have the tools to make it happen. And so do you. Rest on that truth when you’re feeling afraid. Rest on the knowledge you are absolutely capable of handling this thing.

Use your power and do it afraid. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



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Life

What Do You Want to Be Known For?

What Do You Want to Be Known For
Every so often (read as every other day) I have these moments where I wonder what I’m supposed to be doing in life. It’s funny really, when I think about it. The way my mind loves to stay on this existential merry-go-round. Even when I feel like I have a good handle on things for the moment, there’s always another, not to far away that has me questioning everything I know. During a moment like the latter, I happened to listen to a podcast–what else is new–on creative entrepreneurship and life. The hosts proposed that instead of asking yourself what you want to do, ask yourself “What do you want to be known for?”. I liked this question way better because it’s a whole lot easier for me to answer.

I asked my son before, what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he wanted to be himself. His answered inspired my own.

I want to be known for me. That’s it. I’m a complex woman with many layers and many titles. I want to be known for embracing all of who I am, boldly and unapologetically.

I don’t fit neatly into any box. I can’t effortlessly sum up what I do or love in a 30 – 60 second elevator pitch. I don’t want to and I’m done with trying. If that means I’ll never make it on to a coveted list or am never recognized for being a pioneer or innovator, that’s more than fine with me. But for the people who do connect with me, the ones whose paths cross mine, the ones who read my words…I hope you see me. Know me for me and all of my many layers, interests, passions and love.

What do you want to be known for?


Each Sunday morning I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



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Life

She

She

It all stems from her desire for acceptance.
Because she’s never been good at expressing what’s inside, outside. And so, she felt perpetually misunderstood.
And to be honest, what she saw in her heart didn’t look like anything around her.
Being of little strength, she turned away from it.
She transformed into something more palatable and easily digestible.
And for a moment in time it worked.
Until she lost herself in the person she was pretending to be.

She was so used to pretending.
She couldn’t tell if her dreams were her own. And that became the nightmare.
Too much make believe and not enough living.
Her prayers for clarity grew into prayers for discernment.
She’s lived lifetimes hiding in the pretenders shadow.

Her eyes are open but she’s blind to the truth.
Her mind is weak, feeble, and easily swayed from lack of foundation.
She’s discovered her third eye but hasn’t learned to see through it, distrusting her own thoughts.
Surrounded by darkness she follows the stars. Mini constellations as roadmaps. Guiding her back to herself.

For so long she’s been scared to share her truth…
When she has, the silence has reinforced her beliefs.
In turn, she silenced her voice.
And learned a lesson.
That the only thing worse than nobody understanding her…
is not understanding herself.

So she searches for her truth.
Ready to stand by its reveal.
Afraid but determined. Unashamed and unapologetic.
Anxious of how she may be received but willing to trade the worlds cold reaction for her spirit’s warm embrace.

It all comes down to love.
Acceptance.
And protection for her SELF.
Because she’s learned it’s a dangerous space to be when she simply doesn’t know how to be.
Me.


About a month or so ago, I started to think about my journey to 30. And not surface level things–trust me, I’ve thought enough about that–but internal, soul things. I would jot down whatever came to my mind from time to time. The result was this. I didn’t actually realize I started it, but I knew it was finished. Less than a week before my birthday. God moving in my life as usual. I’m thankful. ~xoxo

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Life

Perspective

Perspective

The only difference between a flower and a weed is a judgement. ~ Wayne Dyer

As much as I am a coffee girl at heart, there’s something about those teacup messages, or as I like to affectionately call them, messages from the universe, that provide just what I need to read at exactly the moment I need to read it.

Today’s teacup/universe message was no different. It was a familiar and confirming one, as I’d had the same sentiment months before.

Being a mama of boys is so special. Endless flowers delivered to me on a daily basis from their outdoor jaunts. I always make a big deal of it too because 1. What mama doesn’t like gifts from her babies and 2. It teaches them that giving flowers to the woman you love is always, always, a good idea. You’re welcome future daughter in laws ;).

Needless to say, by technical arbitrary definition, these flowers my boys so loving adorn my locs, lap and hands with…can be called weeds…depending on your perspective. But weeds to who? Not to them who see vibrant life peeking up from the dirt and green earth. To them all that matters is the newness, the freshness, our lawns lovely decorations.

They gather them up by the handfuls these flowers. They solidify their value and their place as earths’ adornments. And they pass these most gracious of gifts onto me. Who am I to tell them any different?

Perspective (n) a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

I’ve long been a believer that perspective changes your life. It goes far deeper than the cliche half empty half full reference. It can literally be infused into every area of your life. Whether that’s how you view obstacles/opportunities, trials/testimonies, work/freedom or flowers/weeds.

Change your perspective, change your life. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



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Life

Am Writing

Wandering or Lost

Not all who wander are lost. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

No matter how hard I try, I’m just not good at wandering. I wish I was though because I’m almost certain that being good at wandering would help with me always feeling so…lost. 

I have a notebook in my Evernote app simply called Am Writing. It’s where I store all my thoughts and ideas. The ones that come to me while I’m standing in line at Target or in the middle of an elementary school drop off. Am Writing is full of thoughts. Some complete, many not, but all full of depth. Lessons learned and those soon to be discovered. Answers to questions I haven’t had yet. Memories and details. Rants and unfinished sentences. That’s what Am Writing is…that’s who I am when I am writing.

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with this gift of mine. I’ve blogged about it before. I’ve ignored it. I’ve hated it. I’ve been confused by it and empowered by it. Many times at the same damn time. It is my soul’s greatest mystery. How curious to be so completely unsure of how to handle something that you know is meant for you.

Lately, I’ve felt compelled to write like never before. And for once, quite terrifyingly actually, the words have escaped me. Well, more like they have hidden from me. They have been inside me as I can feel them. Yes, physically feel them. Like an invisible object, pressing against an imaginary bottom of my throat. It’s been real, as I struggle with this very physical reaction to an obstacle that exists only in my mind. To get out the words, stirring below the surface, causing all types of mayhem and drama as they struggle to break free. And me, feeling so helpless as I try physical methods to release them from their prisons. I do such meaningless things like clearing my throat in hopes they can come to the surface or taking a nap anxiously anticipating their release as I rest. And for days–which is a lifetime when writing is what you do for survival–I’ve been feeling like I’m silently yelling into a black hole.

I’ve have started to understand that I’m meant to write. And that reality scares me because, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that self knowledge. I’m meant to write what? Share what? Release what? Do you know how insane it feels to know you’re supposed to do something but you don’t know exactly what that is or how to go about it? It’s a feeling that I’ve never known before and it’s enough to have the words to explain hide themselves from you.

But, the words came to me today. And I immediately set them free. To explain why I’m feeling the way I do. To ensure that it’s all part of the process. To remind that these experiences are preparing me for the work I am called to do. To affirm that I’m on time, even though I feel far behind. I set the words free and I feel good about letting them go. Now, I have the space to explore, once again, my soul’s greatest mystery. One step closer to understanding…


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



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Life

Well Spent

 A weekly reflection + a few links for you. 

Another week in the books. I can’t believe we’re already approaching halfway through May. And only two months away from my 30th birthday. Insert wide eye emoji. My last year in my twenties was supposed to be the year of the glow up and I guess, in a sense it has been. Just not in the way that I expected. Life is funny like that and if there’s anything that I’ve learned in this last year it’s to embrace all the parts. The ebbs, the flows, and all the pieces in the middle.

Highlight from this week: Night Market. For sure. I broke my “not quite” vegan diet–keeping it real–for a jerk chicken cheesesteak and I’m not sorry. My body wasn’t pleased though and by Saturday I was sipping on Ginger tea and trying to figure out my life. Still not sorry. Best part though was watching my kids perform. When Dad’s a professional hip hop dancer that got his start dancing in the street, when there’s a festival, you dance! Really blessed to give my children a chance to see another way of living. Another way of life.

I thought about including a struggle or lesson or something of the sort here but it’s really just much of the same. The creative balance, not having enough time, and trying to find ways to do more of what I love and less of the rest. Same old, same old. Hopefully I’ll have something deeper next week? Yea? I feel like I share my lessons in my regular blog posts though so…maybe not. We’ll see.

Anyways, Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas. A bit of unsolicited advice: Live your best life today and don’t do the things you think you “should”. Do you mama. It’s your day. Enjoy.

Things You Should Read/Listen to This Sunday

  • Shout out to Melissa at #blkcreatives for including me on this list of moms that are balancing motherhood with the business of creativity. As a working mother chasing a dream and building a business, I never quite feel like I’m getting it right, but then moments like these happen. Completely unexpected but I’m thankful. And do y’all see the company I’m in? I feel like I made it.

  • I think this just might be my favorite MyTaughtYou podcast episode, ever. Tia Williams’ transparency was everything I needed and more. It was like she knew my life. All of it. From her profession in the beauty space, to the feelings of never being good enough, to the daily pain she goes through, to her epic quote “I did what I always did and wrote my way out…” it was like I was listening to parts of my own story. There’s something so wild about that. Tell your stories. People need to hear them. And make sure you go listen to this one.

  • Speaking of Myleik, she shared two NY Times articles that said . One was about Facebook and the other Instagram. Spoiler alert, they’re basically think pieces about the type of behavior that Bow Wow (along with countless others) perform. I have been so over social media lately which is a really weird space to be when you’re a blogger/content creator/editor. I’m tired of seeing the facade. Why is everyone so obsessed with making things look different than what they are? It’s too much. I find myself thinking more and more about opting out of all it. Don’t worry, I can’t and I’m not.

  • Even in the midst of my current disdain for social media, I have to mention Everyday Eyecandy’s Instagram Storytellers series. Her account, along with the people she features are such a breath of fresh air. The photos and the stories within them are the part of social media I love most. I’m obsessed. Not to mention, I’ve been really digging photography/visual storytelling lately. Yup, just add another creative venture to my list. Eyeroll emoji. But honestly, as the world gets noisier and more crowded, there’s something magical in the stillness of photos. I’m only an iphone photography…for now…but this series is love and is full of inspiring people.

That’s all I got. Happy Sunday. Happy Mother’s Day. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



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Life

The Thing You Should Know About Intentions

Intentions

Hey friends. Hope your April has been treating you well. The season of harvest and manifest is well underway and life for me has been going through a growth phase. Right on time I suppose, which brings me to you with this post about intentions. You might remember at the top of the month I wrote about my April intentions. With a new month, a new season, and a new quarter of the year starting, I was enamored with the fresh, vibrating energies around me. I was also feeling a bit, unbalanced in certain areas of my life, so setting intentions to get on track and get on my way to the greatness I know that is destined for me, was the perfect way to get still and get focused.

But let me tell you a little something about how intentions work. And, before we get started a friendly reminder that ya girl is no expert on anything except for the experiences of my life and I’m still trying to figure those out so as the saying goes “take what you need and leave the rest.”

There’s a part of setting intentions for your life, that I don’t think we think about. Or, let me not speak for the general population because y’all might have this life thing down a bit better than I so: there’s a part of setting intentions for my life that I did not anticipate.

The faith that you have to put behind them when things start to come together.

When I really think about it, that should have been obvious. Intentions, or at least the ones that I set, were a pretty big change from the way I was currently living, the work I was doing, and the mindset I had towards my life. That kind of transformation, really any kind of transformation, will inevitably come with growing pains. Growth comes with growing pains. At any stage in your life, in any circumstance, in order to grow, you have to get uncomfortable. And getting uncomfortable isn’t convenient, it isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. So while, I was over here setting the intentions and anticipating the manifest…I wasn’t preparing myself for the faith required to see it see it through.

My life as of late is a perfect representation of this truth. I find myself in the most curious position, coming to terms with that fact that, I’m facing a period of uncomfortableness in order for my intentions to manifest. By setting the intentions, a light has been shone on the areas of my life and myself that need to change in order to grow. And without getting into detail, there’s something wildly unsettling when you say that you intend to walk away from the things that no longer serve you and the universe replies with “okay so this, this, and this then?” That’s where the faith comes in.

So many times, people–and yes I’m talking about the general population here–anticipate the outcome but don’t think about the work. We think about the destination, instead of focusing on the journey. And the truth of the matter is, it’s that middle part, between the moment you make the decision to do or be something–or in this case setting the intention–and achieving it, where the growth happens. And the growth isn’t easy.

So while you set the intentions, and you anticipate the manifest, remember the faith Queens. Keep it and keep going. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



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Life

April Intentions

April Intentions
Happy April! Something about this month always feels fresh. Like, a new world of promise and opportunity is opened up to us, just ripe for the manifesting. New months always feel like this but new months like April that also mark–at least to me–the season of new beginnings, it makes it all the more special. For me, April feels like a month of growth, harvest, and manifestation. Whatever those inner wants and desires that have made their way into your heart and soul, it’s like April  (or maybe just this April in particular) is the time that it can happen. I think it’s the all the freshness and bloom that comes along with spring. I’m fully planning on harnessing all of that good energy and directing it towards the things that mean the most to me. The things that are living and vibrating in my heart.

I want to focus on that last part. Friday, was a tough day. I felt defeated for some reason and I couldn’t understand why. I think, and this may be premature but I’ll figure it out soon enough, that I was feeling that way because I wasn’t doing the things that were living and vibrating in my heart. The balance of doing the work that needs to be done and doing what makes you feel alive is a difficult balance to achieve. In fact, I’m not sure if it’s even a balance that I want to achieve but maybe more like, a harmonious blend. Regardless, if you’re not making the time to feed into each of these sides respectively, you can feel off, defeated, unwell. And that’s where I was at the end of last week. Leaning into the work that needed to be done and abandoning everything else. I hit a wall, I shut down, and the result was epic levels of unproductiveness (that shouldn’t be a word…) which left me feeling even worse.

Thank God for new beginnings. I woke up yesterday morning, the feelings of last week a distant memory. Feeling ready to start anew. My need-to-do list is long as ever and to my love-to-do list isn’t any shorter, but instead of feeling overwhelmed, I feel full of promise. The creative juices are flowing so that means it’s gonna be a good writing day, cheers to that because I have deadlines, on deadlines, on deadlines. And my mind is full of hope, promise, and love. But yea, April intentions…sheesh I took the long way to get here huh?

April Intentions

I attract the work and the clients that understand, appreciate, and value my work.

I attract the work and the clients that align with my personal values.

I attract abundance in my finances, my health, and my wealth.

I am discerning and able to make the best decisions that align with my life’s path.

I am able to start the projects that are blazing in my mind and soul.

I am able to walk away from projects and clients that no longer serve me.

I am a master of my own time and know how to make the most of it.

I am a servant in my community.

I am and I attract LOVE.

I am light of this world and will shine through my gifts.

I practice thankfulness and gratitude at all times, on all days, in all ways.

Yayyy for new months! ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



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Life

Let’s Talk About Being “Mediocre”

Being Mediocre

I stumbled across a post on Facebook last week that touched me to my core. The writer, and everything she was saying resonated so deeply with me. That’s one thing I love so much about writing and blogging specifically. It’s easier now, more than ever, to find out that somewhere, someone feels the same way I do. And as much as I’m an advocate of living your life on your terms, it feels good to know you’re not alone. Anyway, I came across this article and loved it so much. I also discovered a new website dedicated to helping people design simple lives (yes!), and spent some time on the writer’s personal blog and loved her work there too. New loves, so good.

Okay, so brief recap of the post:

What if all I want is a small, slow, simple life? ~ Krista D., A Life in Progress

The article was about living a simple life and about being okay with that. Being okay with the things that you love, no matter how “small” they seem. It was about feeling overwhelmed and depleted with the hustle hard mentality the entire world is shouting at us. About wanting to cut off the noise that is coming at us from every angle. It was about finding the joy in the simple things and being content with small circles. About helping who you can even if that’s just a few people instead of a village. It was ultimately about the writer being okay with living the life that felt right to her.

So you see why I was feeling it? Deep within my bones? YES.

There was just one tiny problem…she called that life mediocre and that’s where I have to disagree.

Now, if mediocre is what she wants, that’s fine. I can absolutely not write this post in total agreement and admiration at her article and blog, without making that part clear. What I’m saying is that, there is nothing mediocre about living life on your terms. Not in the slightest.

For me, this whole blog, my taking a leap of faith and quitting my job, making the decision to unapologetically follow where my writing takes me, immersing myself in my spiritual journey, deciding to eat plant based, having a whole bunch of babies, heck, even deciding to loc my hair…those are all things that I wanted to do, that may seem like very simple things to people concerned with living very different lives. So, is that mediocre? No. That’s extraordinary.

Living the life you dream of when the world places so many expectations on your shoulders isn’t mediocre. No matter what title you hold–CEO, mom, VP, wife, tech guru, or writer–holding the one that makes your soul come alive…that’s. not. mediocre.

And because I’m a word snob | Mediocre: of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate; not satisfactory; poor; inferior.

I want us all to live the way we want. To do those things that makes us feel good and chase those dreams that we’d chase no matter who was watching. To create those works even if no one is paying us. I want us to hold the titles, to wear the clothes, to style our hair, to sing the songs, to do whatever it is. And to know, that it is great. That when you’re being true to yourself…that it’s the greatest thing you could ever do.

So here’s to living a life you love…and not being mediocre. Peace ~xoxo

*photo via death to stock

Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



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Life

Vulnerability

Vulnerability

Sharing makes me nervous. Says the girl with a blog where she pours her heart out in posts for the whole entire internet. Yea…I don’t get it either. Sharing makes me nervous. But…it’s easier for me to share on a blog post though. I check my stats, I mean, I’m a blogger. I pretty much know how many people are reading my stuff on any given day. It’s still weird sometimes sharing here but it always makes me feel better. As if the words are bottled up inside and the only way to relieve the restlessness is to get them out into the world. Where…maybe they can help someone or…maybe not. But at least they are free, which makes me free.

So blogging, itself, isn’t the sharing the makes me nervous. It’s the sharing that I can’t as easily get neat little analytics data from. So, it’s really social media. I hate sharing, on pretty much any social media platform, except Twitter. Twitter is my fave. I’ll share for days over there.

All this rambling about how I’m allegedly nervous about sharing but can share where it feels good to me, brings me to the point of vulnerability. When is too much, too much? I put myself out there on these blog posts and I have no problem tweeting through it. But something about sharing my blog posts–yes, even on Twitter–just makes me cringe. And then, I shudder when I think about Instagram. It’s all fun and games posting selfies and cute pics of my kids but getting deep? It hurtsss. Literally, it hurts. I can’t.

I’ve been thinking about all of this though. Because, the truth of the matter, as the hubs so lovingly walked me through is that, this is what I love to do and this is what I want to do. Meaning, writing, blogging, being a writer. So…is sharing the shit sandwich (Big Magic reference, get into it) that comes along with it? Vulnerability? Even when you feel like it’s all too much? 

I guess so.

But as much as I loathe the sharing (literally, I feel my stomach turning thinking about it) the question remains–as it always does when you are battling your fears no matter how small: but did you die? (Hangover reference kids) And because it’s never that deep…I carry on. Vulnerability and all. Yes, even when it feels like it’s too much.

~xoxo

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Life

Honoring My Gift

Honoring my gift
Do you want to know something weird? One of my favorite sounds is the one that my keyboard makes as I’m writing stories. There’s probably nothing that brings me greater joy and comfort than hearing those keys knowing that each word I type is just a small piece to a bigger, greater puzzle. This might seem like a small thing but, for me, it’s a true acknowledgement that I love writing and everything that comes along with it. Which is why I find it so interesting that, I don’t think if you would have ever asked me if my dream was to be a writer, I would have replied yes. Being a writer was never something I thought about doing. It wasn’t a thing that I thought I could achieve. It wasn’t a thing that I even knew people, personally, did. Writer was never a dream…

As a child, I could lose myself faster in a book than I could anything else. And I’ve been writing poems and short stories for as long as I can remember. It was this, probably, that led to one of the reasons I never entertained the idea of being a writer. Because the idea of writing only came to me in the form of a book. And that seemed like such a huge feat to undertake. Especially for someone who struggled with turning in a 5 page college essay on time. As I got older, my love for written word never left me. I loved writing but the world and life had distorted my view of what writing truly was. What it could truly be.

As an adult, my escape from the 9 – 5 life, the only professional life I’ve ever known, came in the form of writing. The universe is sly like that. This career or life that I’ve always been drawn to, but never gave the chance to be, was exactly what gave me the professional freedom I’ve longed for. But even then–because remember, I’m the stubborn learner–I didn’t recognize myself as a writer. Nothing about the way that I could effortlessly string together a few words to form sentences that people actually paid me for, stood out to me as extraordinary. Even though it was that very talent that was providing for my family.

Maybe it was because I wasn’t writing the stuff that made my soul come alive. I wasn’t writing the stories that were buried deep within my bones. And while the things that I was writing about are all things that are important to different people, when you get a certain kind of feedback on a certain kind of work, it’s easy to fall into the mindset that maybe that’s the only thing you’re good at. To think, maybe that’s the kind of writer I am.

I have written so many words. Countless. In journals, on this blog, on my old blog. Both published and hidden. And many still lurking in my drafts. And for all the heart and all the soul that I have poured into some of those posts, it’s an odd pill to swallow when the result after publish is silence. A vastly different world from the one where a client could ask me to put my magic on a paragraph, and in an hour’s time after the task is complete, I open my email to feedback like “PERFECTION. You just get it.” These things, for the “artist who is sensitive about her shit”…can distort the mind and has many times left me feeling like…maybe that’s not the kind of writer I am.

As I’ve settled into my life as a freelance writer & editor…(one of) my dreams has become clear. I want to be a writer. I am a writer. But I want to be the writer that I am in my heart. The one who writes the stories inside her. And as I realize this, all I can think about is the countless reasons that Elizabeth Gilbert tells us we have to chase and pursue our most deepest creative endeavors. Big Magic

I’ve learned over the past year that, this is a gift. And it’s my dream/duty/goal/Personal Legend (The Alchemist strikes again) to honor it as much as I can, as many ways as I can, for the time that I am here on this earth. ~xoxo


Once a month I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. Mostly stuff that didn’t make it here or I’m too nervous to share on the blog–I’m working on the transparency thing but some things I keep for the people who are in this thing with me ya know? And a few extra tidbits along the way. Let me know if you wanna get it!



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When You Really Want Something…

The Alchemist

And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. ~Paulo Coelho

I just finished reading The Alchemist and I have to say that it lived up to everything people said about it and more. The Alchemist is one of those books that everyone talks about and says all the things you want to hear about a book like: life changing, top 5 favorites, must read. So when the hubs and I ended up at Barnes & Noble a couple weeks ago and he told me to pick out whatever I wanted? You know, I pulled up my book list so quick. I have at least 20 books on it but my eyes were pulled to The Alchemist so that’s what I got. And guess what? Life changing, top 5 favorite book, a must read for sure.

This blog is not a book review though. This post is about that quote. In my last post, I talked about obliviously hearing or reading things. Taking in as much as I can with deep reflection is one way I’m hoping to combat that. But even still, as I read this phrase countless times during The Alchemist…I wasn’t exactly taking in all that it really meant.

When you really want something, all of the universe will conspire to make it happen.

Can we have a truth moment here? Between friends? I’m a stubborn learner. I’m the kind of girl that struggles with receiving the message without the mess. I don’t love this about myself but transparency…for you and for me.

There’s something I want in my personal life. Something that I know that I can absolutely achieve. I’ve talked about it, I’ve written out plans for it (write the vision), I’ve dreamt about it. But, if we’re being real–amongst friends here remember–it’s resided just outside of my reach because of my own actions or inaction at times. Now, I want to be real here because I do believe there’s truth to the idea that if you really want something, you’ll work for it. Or the similar notion that your actions speak louder than your words (I’m a REAL life advocate of that one). But, and this is a big but, sometimes you really can want something and for whatever reason (fear, anxiety, lack of discipline, I could go on) be paralyzed in your life to do what it takes to go after it.

That’s where I was and that’s where the universe came in and conspired to make things happen…and it wasn’t all unicorns and rainbows.

There’s an old saying that goes “be careful what you wish for” and it’s been adapted a million times a million different ways. The main gist of it is really is, to understand that what you’re asking for, you will receive and it might not look pretty to get there. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t want take that thought and be all paranoid about my requests. But it’s a truth. That sometimes there’s a mess to get the message. And sometimes the universe’s conspiracy might be a little rough.

Just some food for thought for those of you in the thick of it. Those having the moments like me. Half crying, half talking through the mess to understand that it’s all part of the plan.

Oh and look at message found in my cup of tea today! After I wrote this and just as I was editing and getting ready to post. Confirmation. I see what you did there God.

He who wants a rose must respect the thorn. ~ Persian Proverb

PS: Get The Alchemist ~xoxo

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Self Work

Self Work

Self work is a phrase that has been steadily on my mind for awhile now. It’s so fitting. In this time and space where I am learning and discovering, working on myself has become something I must pursue with great intensity. I talked about this before but, everything around me, inside of me, is changing. And that’s to be expected you know? The only thing constant in this life is God’s love…and change. The thing is though, great change is hard. And it’s even harder when you’re not equipped to handle it. When you’re not balanced. That’s where self work comes in. And that’s where I’m at. At the point where it’s essential for my well being–is it too dramatic to say for my survival?–to work on myself. But what does that mean? Oh, so much. But let me see if I can break it down.

Spiritual Work: Above all else, nurturing my spirit is one of, if not the most, important parts of myself. When you think about it, and yes this is going to be a bit woo woo, the soul/spirit is all you really have. This body, this life, this time is temporary. But your soul and the spirit is everlasting. Eternal. So if you need to work on yourself, it only makes sense to start there. I am a follower of Christ. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light for me. But, I have beliefs that might not align so perfectly with your “traditional” Christian ideals. For a long time, I suppressed those. But I’m beginning to learn that I was not made to sit in these limiting beliefs when there are such strong feelings planted deep inside of me. I’m limiting and blocking myself from being spiritually whole. I’m not sure what my feelings mean. The only thing I know for sure is that I am God’s Child and Jesus is my Savior. The spiritual work is figuring out the rest. That starts with with study and learning. Putting in the spiritual work.

Mind Work: You know that saying “what you think, you become”? Perspective is everything. Literally, everything. No matter the situation, your perspective can completely change your experience. But mastering positive perspectives is hard. Especially for an anxiety driven, emotional, intuitive, and (overly) dramatic person like myself. Becoming a master of my thoughts is the fight of a lifetime for me. But, I’m beginning to understand it is part of my assignment. Anxiety, and it’s overwhelming effects it can have on the mind, is something I have struggled with my entire life. But mind work goes beyond just that. It’s about perspective on everything. Letting go of things you thought, letting go, letting life flow, and having the outlook that it’s all right/alright. That’s mental strength. And probably something that gets easier when you’re spiritually healthy.

Body Work: And finally, the temple. This is what brings the self work full circle. Mind, body, soul…or in my case soul, mind, body. I’ve written at length my recent struggles with my body. For the past 29 years, I have barely exercised and rested comfortably in my petite frame without giving health, fitness, or nutrition a second thought. Well…when you know better, you do better. Nourishing my temple is such an important part of my self work. My spiritual and mind can be perfectly aligned but without my temple, I’m again, limiting myself on this earth. Changing the foods I eat, being more intentional with what I put in and on my body, and working on my physical strength is the foundation to treating my body like the temple it is. One of daily affirmations speaks directly to this: My body is a temple and I take care to treat it with love by what I put on, in, and surround it with.

So here’s to self work. To focusing on nourishing yourself, in the areas that you need, in the ways that you need. If you’re doing some self work and want to connect let me know. Let us journey together. Peace. ~xo

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