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journal entry

Life

Abundance

Abundance
Some months ago I wrote a journal entry after meditating on the concept of abundance. A concept that I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. Sounds strange, but hear me out. I’ve not struggled with the idea of abundance itself. I embrace it, I yearn for it, I’m intrigued by it. But, I’ve struggle with believing that abundance is already mine. And this struggle has led me to chase so many things that don’t make sense, that I don’t believe in, that don’t align, feed or fuel me in order to obtain it.

But, how do you obtain something that is already yours?

If I’m to understand and believe that my very being is aligned with abundance, then the thing I need to do is follow those things that I’ve been called towards and am pulled to. My personal legend, as named in The Alchemist.

Why is that so scary then? The idea that, you can let go of the things that aren’t serving you, aren’t helping you grow, or aren’t bringing you joy? Why do we feel like, we have to do these things that are so opposite in order to receive the abundance…that we already have? Why do we feel there must be some pain, or sadness, or angst in order to have abundant life? How contradictory.


For me, I sometimes feel torn. Between the truth that my ancestors did not have such choices and the thought that, they fought for me to have such choices so why would I do anything less? It’s a constant battle in my mind trying to figure out if me deciding to wholeheartedly pursue my personal legend is in honor of them, or, a selfish disregard for their experiences.

Most of the time, I rest in the truth that I am here today. And the belief that abundance is mine. And the hope that I’m honoring even the slightest piece of my ancestors struggles by boldly living and walking the paths they laid out for me.

Anything less seems like a travesty.

I mean…that’s all I want for those that come after me. My children and their children and their children. To be able. Whatever that means for them. Not to be whatever this world tries to force them to be. I want only for them, to be able, in the highest sense of the word. And it’s that desire that catches in my throat, illuminating the uncertainties in the corners of my mind.

Will I be able to do it? Without pushing myself to fall in line and do the things that don’t align because they’re “safe”–er. Is this unconventional (to society) path something that will allow me lay a brighter path for them? Will I be able to leave them more than what’s left to me when it’s all said and done? Because isn’t that what we’re all just trying to do?

I have to believe the answer is yes. And I have to believe that the most important things, they have. I have to believe that abundance is theirs too. And maybe, believe the best thing I could do, is to help prevent them from ever feeling this struggle by laying the example. The one that encourages and inspires them to be able and to follow their gifts, curiosities, talents, passions with full confidence that is enough, they are taken care of, and abundance is provided.


Most Sundays I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



Life

No Dreams Deferred

No Dreams Deferred
This past Sunday, my newsletter was about all the feels I had while watching the Humans of New York series. I’m telling you, for a girl who lives in her feelings, just one episode gave me enough to think about for a lifetime. And while I could make this post about every last one of them, I’ll focus and say that mostly…I thought about how we all have dreams. Shocking right? And you know, contrary to things I say on my blog in moments of deep introspective thought, I’ve always been a dreamer and I’ll always love a good dream. So of course the stories that made me think the most were the ones where people didn’t become who they wanted to be.

I think that’s probably one of my biggest fears. That I’ll never figure it out. That I’ll never “get myself there”, as one New Yorker so eloquently put it.

If I’m creating something, building something, then I’m alive. When I’m not creating something, I’m not alive.

How I want to be remembered is, as someone having achieved their dream. If I haven’t achieved my dream…I don’t deserve to be remembered.

Why do I give up? I lost my energy. I get tired. I get tired of the struggle. I’m not a fighter. That’s why I give up. You gotta be a fighter. You gotta go out there and pitch and sell. You gotta be on.”

~ Humans of New York: The Series Episode 2

I felt this dreamer the most. There was something so familiar in him. An actor who’d imagined he would have made himself a movie star by now. Directing films in Hollywood. Big dreams, us dreamers. And like him, I felt tired. You know, you do have to be fighter. And it can be exhausting. The struggle can be exhausting. But the truth he shared made me understand…I can’t give up. I guess I gotta get out there. And pitch. And sell. I gotta be on. Because like him, I feel alive when I’m creating. And I want to be remembered for me…the girl who chased her dreams…which if you’ve learned anything from me by now you know I believe that that’s quite literally the dream itself.


I’m working on something for us dreamers. If you’ve ever related to any of my posts about chasing dreams, manifesting, and all that good stuff, sign up for my mailing list. I share all the good stuff there first. ~ xoxo



Life

‘Tis the Season

'Tis the Season
Yesterday, I finally made my way into our garage to begin gathering the Christmas decorations. Last year was my absolute favorite tree. Like of all time. We don’t buy real trees around here (yet) and a couple years ago was the first time we got one that wasn’t a cheapie throwaway. This will be our third year using it and each time it keeps getting better. But last year, in particular, it was the best so far. I really wanted our tree to be simple but magical. I wanted it to have that real feel good Christmasy vibe. The boys were in charge of decorating it as usual and my only request was silver and gold with white lights. It was everything I imagined. This year, we’re building on that same theme and adding more holiday home decor things in the mix. You remember my Soulful Spaces post right? Well we’ve made some progress and I’m finding my footing so with the holidays here, I’m excited to see what we create.

Sorting through the decorations felt really good though and started to lift the funk from earlier this week. Ever since I wrote that post, I’ve been thinking about how to lift my spirit. Not just for the holidays, but for life. It’s obvious something is going on but I’m usually such a Christmas girl at heart so the fact that I just wasn’t feeling good has been weighing on me.

'Tis the Season

As I was going through everything, I came across this ornament that made me pause. This cross is probably the most expensive ornament I’ve ever bought. It’s heavy and brass and sits at the top most branch of our tree, right in the front. I got it last year but, I honestly had forgotten about it until that moment. And when I saw it, I immediately felt at peace.

I don’t know when or why I let my mind and body become consumed with all the things of the world. I still can’t tell you exactly what has been making me feel so uneasy but what I can say for sure is that, I definitely have been letting things that don’t matter get in the way of the things that do. This cross was the thing I needed to see to pull me out of the fog and to remember the reason. Peace, love, hope, joy, and all that good stuff. ‘Tis the season.


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



Life

Feelings…

Feelings

Aptly titling this one feelings because I’ve said the word “feel” more times than normal for me. I’m sure you know by now I feel all the things all the time. And so to be fair, this is no different…just more. 

***

I truly was not ready for the holidays this year. If we take it back to October, I was the mom telling my kiddos that we were going to make Halloween costumes and it would be epic. We had plans. Lists and details and all those things. And yet, I found myself rushing down the aisles of Party City on Halloween (cringe) buying the last of a too small minion costume and an over priced lego one. I feel like we had barely finished up the last candy from the very brief walk around the neighborhood (that I basically had to drag myself out of bed to do) before Thanksgiving was here.

I had been toying with the idea of heading to the mountains for the weekend. Ditching the “traditional” thing that’s never really been tradition for me all. Growing up in a blended/broken(?) family means every year, you’re bound to end up somewhere for else for the holidays. I had visions of spending the weekend in a cabin by a fire with the husband, kids, food, and wine. Sounds magical right? But I just thought about it, tricking myself into thinking I had more time than I did. And once it became too late for that to be a reality, or at least, that’s what I told myself, I had settled on just having a small dinner at home. I’ve only cooked Thanksgiving dinner once before and really enjoyed it so it seemed like a good idea. Until there I was the Monday before with no menu, no groceries, and stressed with some work we’re doing on our kitchen. We wound up ditching that plan too.

Now, here I am feeling like Christmas will be here in the blink of an eye. By this time, I typically have up all the decorations, am playing Christmas music all day long, and making plans for the family to enjoy this month. We celebrate Kwanzaa too so the last couple weeks of December are always my favorite. And yet, here I am, feeling like I have been all season, so behind. Unprepared. Not ready.

I’m not sure where the magic has gone this season. I feel like this is just another page in this weird chapter of my life that I’ve been reading.

Maybe it’s perspective. Maybe it’s intentions. Maybe it’s a disconnect. Most likely it’s a combination of the three. Looking at life, my journey, and my present through a jaded lens. Having the wrong intentions behind my actions. And the huge disconnect between what I want and what I actually do. I feel like this has been a season with the recurring message of “doing the most and getting nothing done” or “doing the most and getting nowhere” or “doing the most of the wrong things”.

I’m not sure how to fix it, but I recognize it’s there. I feel like I need to make a major change. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and thoughts about what exactly that change may be have been running wild in my mind.

I hope none of this sounds ungrateful. The truth of how blessed I am and God’s grace is not lost on me. There’s just something going on beneath the surface that has me feeling a bit lost and I’m praying I find my way soon. For now, I’ll look towards the season of magic and wonder in hopes it’ll light the way.


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



Life

Why I Write

Why I Write
In Big Magic, author Elizabeth Gilbert warns about creating to help other people. To be exact she writes:

You are not required to save the world with your creativity…I would prefer that you made your art in order to save yourself, or to relieve yourself of some great psychic burden, rather than to save or relieve us. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

She goes on to give multiple reasonings behind this warning citing the misguided notion of living for others, the joy in creating to entertain yourself, and most notably pointing out that she wrote a travel memoir in order to make sense of her own journey. And we all know how that turned out.

For some time now, I’d say at the very least the past year or so, I’ve felt like I’ve been running around in circles when it comes to figuring out what to do with all these things I have inside. The thoughts, the ideas, the stories waiting to be told. And I don’t think I’ve realized (as clear as I do now) that the trying to connect the dots, the trying to make meaning of what I’m doing, and figuring out what I can do to ensure it can help someone, is the very thing that has been holding me back.

Your art not only doesn’t have to be original, in other words; it also doesn’t have to be important. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

I’m certain I actually discovered this before but, I’m not sure it ever took root in my mind. The reality that I absolutely can (and should) blog, and journal, and create, and write that book simply because it’s something I want to do.
Why I write
I sat down today to write a blog post that I wanted to be helpful. I thought to myself: I’ve been writing a lot about my personal life and lessons I’ve been learning so let me write something that can be really informational and helpful to others. But the reality is (I already do that in my freelance work) BUT more importantly…I write to save, understand, make sense of, document, and discover myself. And:

If what I’ve written here ends up help you, that’s great, and I will be glad. That would be a wonderful side effect. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

So tell me, why do you create?

Life

On Tending Your Own Garden

Tending your garden
Yesterday, I posted a piece of work that was essentially me brimming to the edge with creative revelation, energy, and needing to express all that was bubbling within before I burst. It was random, as those kind of posts usually are, but unlike my last stream of thoughts, I provided no explanation as I felt my words alone would suffice. Today though, as my mind has settled and I have come to terms with my thoughts and feelings, I’d like to dig deeper.

***

Earlier this week, I had lunch and a cup of coffee with my best friend. Our goal was to get outside our normal work environments–my home and her office–to discuss creative life, building businesses, and chasing dreams. Instead, it was a therapy session of sorts that was full of epiphanies and  revelations about myself, the path I thought I wanted to explore, and a truth I’d been afraid to admit to myself. Both my conversation with her and an even more “spirited” dialogue with my husband earlier that morning, led to me to uncover some feelings that I couldn’t quite explain on my own. They were stirring, just below the surface, under the facade of feeling good and appearing outwardly successful. Behind the curtain of Instagram bios and professional titles. There was a restless anxiety that I never let myself explore for reasons I’ll explain in a moment. 

What I discovered that day was that I was feeling resentful. And as much as I want to add the “for lack of a better word” here, the truth is what it is. 

So how did I get here? Well, if you get my newsletter you have a little insight into this current season of my life (for context, you can see it here and subscribe if you’d like). I’ve been approaching creative burnout for some time, whether I wanted to admit that to myself or not. And not only was I feeling the physical and emotional effects of burnout, but I also wasn’t seeing any fruits from this labor that was causing me so much stress. 

I had been hustling backwards and grinding hard for everyone except for myself.

It took me some time to actually verbalize that. My nature as a true nurturer has always caused me to place the needs of others before my own. And somewhere, deep down, I had feelings of guilt or selfishness at the thought of focusing on me, myself, and the creations I wanted to bring into this world.

I had begun to feel resentful, and it was no ones fault but my own.

Crops was me expressing those feelings. And while I will say, I am not proud of feeling them, I am glad they were revealed to me. I’ve been able to peel back the layers in understanding the deeper issues that created them. This false belief that it’s…not okay to use the gifts God’s blessed me with for myself. It’s still a battle in my mind. There are parts of me that want to apologize. Parts of me that don’t want to come across as selfish. I blame it on the nurturer in me but I know there are things imbedded deeper still. But there’s a greater part of me that assures me this is right and that’s the voice I choose to listen too. It’s time to tend my own garden. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



Life

Crops

Crops
I have spent lifetimes
watering the seeds that others have planted.
And witnessed harvests.
I’ve collected and hunted.
I’ve shared and I’ve curated.

Content.

I have spent lifetimes
tending to the gardens that others have sown.
And witnessed beauty.
I’ve planted and plotted.
I’ve dug deep and I’ve worked hard.

Uneasy.

I have spent lifetimes
nurturing the roots that others have put down.
And witnessed growth.
I’ve built and sustained.
I’ve cultivated and I’ve created.

Awakening.

I have spent lifetimes.
leaving my own seeds untended.
And witnessed pain.
I’ve ignored and deferred.
I’ve withdrawn and I’ve avoided.

Sad.

I have spent lifetimes
overlooking a barren land.
And witnessed understanding.
I’ve gathered and culled.
I’ve watered and I’ve produced.

Birth.

http://thisbrownqueen.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/Crops-Full-Poem-3.png

Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



Life

Journeying

Journeying

Everyday, I am becoming. I am in constant bloom. And that’s who I am. A masterful work in progress. All the days of my life.

I’m learning that feeding my spirit on this journey is very much like feeding my body. I research foods, pay attention to how things make me feel, am intentional about what I’m putting in. I feel better, more energized, lighter. But the moment I divert from this path, I feel so much worse than I did before. Like the taste of all that is good and well has redefined all that isn’t.

When I fall off my spiritual practice my soul feels just like that. It’s been opened and awakened. It knows what good energy, positive thinking, love, and light feels like and what it can do in my life. Falling backwards feels so much worse now.

My words were flowing the way I needed them to. My visuals were reflecting how I felt inside. I was attracting work and opportunities that align with my intentions. Meditation and creative visualization were making their appearances in my daily routine. I was writing and becoming. Being still and observing. And then…

Restlessness abounds. And I immediately realize that, practicing meditation, being still, prayer, and journaling had dwindled, succumbing to the busyness of daily life, work and family, paying bills and adult realities. Taking the time to write and pray and meditate had become non-existent. And I just read somewhere, multiple places actually, that you can never be too busy to pray. Message received.

I am understanding that, this road of self discovery and aligning with my purpose is constant. That it requires daily practice and showing up. Every day. You have to embrace this with every ounce of you. Continually listen. Continually show up for you. And when you start to feel and witness the growth, that’s the moment where we stop because we think the work is done.

Keep going. Keep journeying. Keep discovering. There’s so much growing, living, and journeying to do. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



Life

Whoever You Are, Just Be That

Whoever You Are

“For a long time I defined myself by what I wasn’t. Which constantly set me up for failure and disappointment. My life changed when I focused on what I was, what I was good at, what I liked most about myself, and what made me stand out.” ~ Issa Rae

You know how when you finally notice something, it shows up everywhere in your life? Like, you can barely decipher whether these things have always been there or is it now that you’re aware, you just notice them more. That’s currently my life with self-discovery and learning to love, embrace, and just be all the layers of me.

While watching the annual celebration of black girl magic this week, Black Girls Rock, that experience has never been more prevalent. It seemed like every black girl that stepped on that stage had something to say about just being yourself. From Yara to Solange to Issa…it was all about embracing who you truly are. But it was Issa’s speech that stuck out to me the most. She talked about the moments where she learned that she’d never be cool enough, pretty enough, or funny enough. And how her definition of herself was built on the things that she wasn’t. This resonated with me to the core because girl, have I been there.

On this journey of learning to just be me, I constantly fall into the cycle of defining myself by what I’m not. I’m not business savvy enough, I’m not deep enough, I’m not woke enough, I’m not poetic enough, I don’t hustle enough, I don’t write enough…and this cycle always ends up at the same thought. That I’m not enough.

“This constantly set me up for failure and disappointment.”

If there is one thing I have learned on this journey that has impacted me the most so far, it’s that who you are, truly, is enough. And your purpose on this earth is to be that person. Because that person is exactly what this world needs. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



Life

What Really Happens When You Do it Afraid

Do it Afraid

When I dare to be powerful – to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~ Audre Lorde

Last year I took on one of the biggest, scariest, projects of my freelance career so far. From first contact to completion, I was over here on this MacBook shook okay. Now, I know my fear was irrational at the end of the day, but that didn’t make me feel any less scared. That was over a year ago, and since then I’ve taken on new and challenging things, but nothing quite as scary as that. Interestingly enough though, I find myself in that familiar space once again. Where I’m being challenged to do something that is completely out of my comfort zone and yes, scary. To give myself a pep talk I thought back onto this project and reflected on how I overcame my fear. To remind myself–and you–what happens when you do it afraid.

You don’t stop being afraid, you push through.

There is nothing wrong with being scared. I think sometimes we’re so quick to slap a negative connotation to fear and dismiss it. It’s okay to be nervous. It’s just not okay to let that fear or nervousness control you. You can push through even with the fear. That’s essential to know. That fear doesn’t stop you from being able to do something unless you let it.

You acknowledge the “imposter” but you know the real

For this particular instance and many other instances, my fear was rooted in feeling like I wasn’t good enough or doubting myself. Like who I am to do this? Especially with the fact that I created this career for myself, literally, there was no straight path. I’m calling myself something because that’s what I do but somewhere I was seeking that validation. Imposter syndrome is real. But, you gotta let that go. If you were asked, hired, contacted, sought out, approved to do something, it’s because you can. You’ve shown that much or else you would have gotten the polite “No thank you, I’m fine.” You’ll probably always feel like an imposter. I feel like an imposter adult and I’ve technically been doing this thing for 12 years and I’m responsible for three humans so I mean…if that doesn’t tell you something than I don’t know what does!

Get real with the worst case scenario

“But did you die?” Hangover voice. I know it sounds crazy but during the course of this project, when I felt like I literally wasn’t going to make it I looked at the worse case scenario. I’d submit my work and they wouldn’t like it. That was it. There was nothing after that. Sometimes you just have to look your fear straight in the eye, and when you do you realize, it isn’t even that scary after all.

You rest on the knowledge that YOU HAVE THE TOOLS.

If there is one thing that I’ve come to realize as a freelance creative it’s that, my creativity truly is limitless. If something is brought to me, if I envision something, if I think of something, I have the tools to make it happen. And so do you. Rest on that truth when you’re feeling afraid. Rest on the knowledge you are absolutely capable of handling this thing.

Use your power and do it afraid. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.



Life

What Do You Want to Be Known For?

What Do You Want to Be Known For
Every so often (read as every other day) I have these moments where I wonder what I’m supposed to be doing in life. It’s funny really, when I think about it. The way my mind loves to stay on this existential merry-go-round. Even when I feel like I have a good handle on things for the moment, there’s always another, not to far away that has me questioning everything I know. During a moment like the latter, I happened to listen to a podcast–what else is new–on creative entrepreneurship and life. The hosts proposed that instead of asking yourself what you want to do, ask yourself “What do you want to be known for?”. I liked this question way better because it’s a whole lot easier for me to answer.

I asked my son before, what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he wanted to be himself. His answered inspired my own.

I want to be known for me. That’s it. I’m a complex woman with many layers and many titles. I want to be known for embracing all of who I am, boldly and unapologetically.

I don’t fit neatly into any box. I can’t effortlessly sum up what I do or love in a 30 – 60 second elevator pitch. I don’t want to and I’m done with trying. If that means I’ll never make it on to a coveted list or am never recognized for being a pioneer or innovator, that’s more than fine with me. But for the people who do connect with me, the ones whose paths cross mine, the ones who read my words…I hope you see me. Know me for me and all of my many layers, interests, passions and love.

What do you want to be known for?


Each Sunday morning I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



Life

She

She

It all stems from her desire for acceptance.
Because she’s never been good at expressing what’s inside, outside. And so, she felt perpetually misunderstood.
And to be honest, what she saw in her heart didn’t look like anything around her.
Being of little strength, she turned away from it.
She transformed into something more palatable and easily digestible.
And for a moment in time it worked.
Until she lost herself in the person she was pretending to be.

She was so used to pretending.
She couldn’t tell if her dreams were her own. And that became the nightmare.
Too much make believe and not enough living.
Her prayers for clarity grew into prayers for discernment.
She’s lived lifetimes hiding in the pretenders shadow.

Her eyes are open but she’s blind to the truth.
Her mind is weak, feeble, and easily swayed from lack of foundation.
She’s discovered her third eye but hasn’t learned to see through it, distrusting her own thoughts.
Surrounded by darkness she follows the stars. Mini constellations as roadmaps. Guiding her back to herself.

For so long she’s been scared to share her truth…
When she has, the silence has reinforced her beliefs.
In turn, she silenced her voice.
And learned a lesson.
That the only thing worse than nobody understanding her…
is not understanding herself.

So she searches for her truth.
Ready to stand by its reveal.
Afraid but determined. Unashamed and unapologetic.
Anxious of how she may be received but willing to trade the worlds cold reaction for her spirit’s warm embrace.

It all comes down to love.
Acceptance.
And protection for her SELF.
Because she’s learned it’s a dangerous space to be when she simply doesn’t know how to exist as…
Me.


About a month or so ago, I started to think about my journey to 30. And not surface level things–trust me, I’ve thought enough about that–but internal, soul things. I would jot down whatever came to my mind from time to time. The result was this. I didn’t actually realize I started it, but I knew it was finished. Less than a week before my birthday. God moving in my life as usual. I’m thankful. ~xoxo

Life

Perspective

Perspective

The only difference between a flower and a weed is a judgement. ~ Wayne Dyer

As much as I am a coffee girl at heart, there’s something about those teacup messages, or as I like to affectionately call them, messages from the universe, that provide just what I need to read at exactly the moment I need to read it.

Today’s teacup/universe message was no different. It was a familiar and confirming one, as I’d had the same sentiment months before.

Being a mama of boys is so special. Endless flowers delivered to me on a daily basis from their outdoor jaunts. I always make a big deal of it too because 1. What mama doesn’t like gifts from her babies and 2. It teaches them that giving flowers to the woman you love is always, always, a good idea. You’re welcome future daughter in laws ;).

Needless to say, by technical arbitrary definition, these flowers my boys so loving adorn my locs, lap and hands with…can be called weeds…depending on your perspective. But weeds to who? Not to them who see vibrant life peeking up from the dirt and green earth. To them all that matters is the newness, the freshness, our lawns lovely decorations.

They gather them up by the handfuls these flowers. They solidify their value and their place as earths’ adornments. And they pass these most gracious of gifts onto me. Who am I to tell them any different?

Perspective (n) a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

I’ve long been a believer that perspective changes your life. It goes far deeper than the cliche half empty half full reference. It can literally be infused into every area of your life. Whether that’s how you view obstacles/opportunities, trials/testimonies, work/freedom or flowers/weeds.

Change your perspective, change your life. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



Life

Am Writing

Wandering or Lost

Not all who wander are lost. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

No matter how hard I try, I’m just not good at wandering. I wish I was though because I’m almost certain that being good at wandering would help with me always feeling so…lost. 

I have a notebook in my Evernote app simply called Am Writing. It’s where I store all my thoughts and ideas. The ones that come to me while I’m standing in line at Target or in the middle of an elementary school drop off. Am Writing is full of thoughts. Some complete, many not, but all full of depth. Lessons learned and those soon to be discovered. Answers to questions I haven’t had yet. Memories and details. Rants and unfinished sentences. That’s what Am Writing is…that’s who I am when I am writing.

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with this gift of mine. I’ve blogged about it before. I’ve ignored it. I’ve hated it. I’ve been confused by it and empowered by it. Many times at the same damn time. It is my soul’s greatest mystery. How curious to be so completely unsure of how to handle something that you know is meant for you.

Lately, I’ve felt compelled to write like never before. And for once, quite terrifyingly actually, the words have escaped me. Well, more like they have hidden from me. They have been inside me as I can feel them. Yes, physically feel them. Like an invisible object, pressing against an imaginary bottom of my throat. It’s been real, as I struggle with this very physical reaction to an obstacle that exists only in my mind. To get out the words, stirring below the surface, causing all types of mayhem and drama as they struggle to break free. And me, feeling so helpless as I try physical methods to release them from their prisons. I do such meaningless things like clearing my throat in hopes they can come to the surface or taking a nap anxiously anticipating their release as I rest. And for days–which is a lifetime when writing is what you do for survival–I’ve been feeling like I’m silently yelling into a black hole.

I’ve have started to understand that I’m meant to write. And that reality scares me because, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that self knowledge. I’m meant to write what? Share what? Release what? Do you know how insane it feels to know you’re supposed to do something but you don’t know exactly what that is or how to go about it? It’s a feeling that I’ve never known before and it’s enough to have the words to explain hide themselves from you.

But, the words came to me today. And I immediately set them free. To explain why I’m feeling the way I do. To ensure that it’s all part of the process. To remind that these experiences are preparing me for the work I am called to do. To affirm that I’m on time, even though I feel far behind. I set the words free and I feel good about letting them go. Now, I have the space to explore, once again, my soul’s greatest mystery. One step closer to understanding…


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.



Life

Well Spent

 A weekly reflection + a few links for you. 

Another week in the books. I can’t believe we’re already approaching halfway through May. And only two months away from my 30th birthday. Insert wide eye emoji. My last year in my twenties was supposed to be the year of the glow up and I guess, in a sense it has been. Just not in the way that I expected. Life is funny like that and if there’s anything that I’ve learned in this last year it’s to embrace all the parts. The ebbs, the flows, and all the pieces in the middle.

Highlight from this week: Night Market. For sure. I broke my “not quite” vegan diet–keeping it real–for a jerk chicken cheesesteak and I’m not sorry. My body wasn’t pleased though and by Saturday I was sipping on Ginger tea and trying to figure out my life. Still not sorry. Best part though was watching my kids perform. When Dad’s a professional hip hop dancer that got his start dancing in the street, when there’s a festival, you dance! Really blessed to give my children a chance to see another way of living. Another way of life.

I thought about including a struggle or lesson or something of the sort here but it’s really just much of the same. The creative balance, not having enough time, and trying to find ways to do more of what I love and less of the rest. Same old, same old. Hopefully I’ll have something deeper next week? Yea? I feel like I share my lessons in my regular blog posts though so…maybe not. We’ll see.

Anyways, Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas. A bit of unsolicited advice: Live your best life today and don’t do the things you think you “should”. Do you mama. It’s your day. Enjoy.

Things You Should Read/Listen to This Sunday

  • Shout out to Melissa at #blkcreatives for including me on this list of moms that are balancing motherhood with the business of creativity. As a working mother chasing a dream and building a business, I never quite feel like I’m getting it right, but then moments like these happen. Completely unexpected but I’m thankful. And do y’all see the company I’m in? I feel like I made it.

  • I think this just might be my favorite MyTaughtYou podcast episode, ever. Tia Williams’ transparency was everything I needed and more. It was like she knew my life. All of it. From her profession in the beauty space, to the feelings of never being good enough, to the daily pain she goes through, to her epic quote “I did what I always did and wrote my way out…” it was like I was listening to parts of my own story. There’s something so wild about that. Tell your stories. People need to hear them. And make sure you go listen to this one.

  • Speaking of Myleik, she shared two NY Times articles that said . One was about Facebook and the other Instagram. Spoiler alert, they’re basically think pieces about the type of behavior that Bow Wow (along with countless others) perform. I have been so over social media lately which is a really weird space to be when you’re a blogger/content creator/editor. I’m tired of seeing the facade. Why is everyone so obsessed with making things look different than what they are? It’s too much. I find myself thinking more and more about opting out of all it. Don’t worry, I can’t and I’m not.

  • Even in the midst of my current disdain for social media, I have to mention Everyday Eyecandy’s Instagram Storytellers series. Her account, along with the people she features are such a breath of fresh air. The photos and the stories within them are the part of social media I love most. I’m obsessed. Not to mention, I’ve been really digging photography/visual storytelling lately. Yup, just add another creative venture to my list. Eyeroll emoji. But honestly, as the world gets noisier and more crowded, there’s something magical in the stillness of photos. I’m only an iphone photography…for now…but this series is love and is full of inspiring people.

That’s all I got. Happy Sunday. Happy Mother’s Day. ~xoxo


Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you.