You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
~ John O’Donohue
It’s been quiet around here. Between us, whenever the silence lingers for more than a few days, it’s probably a bit more than normal life things. I feel like y’all know this by now but in the spirit of making things plain, there it is. Unlike many of my past bouts of quiet, this one comes sans emotional breakdown and existential post full of muddled feelings. It comes instead with peaceful reflection and gratitude for understanding. I think I’m finally beginning to understand what it really feels like to give myself grace for growth and growing pains.
The quiet. The lack of words and writing. The lack of creativity and creating. Checking in with myself I see that this has become more than an off week kind of thing. It’s more of a mindset really, a life shift, behaviors and habits that have me slipping back into old things.
“You want to do the minimum amount of work to afford the maximum amount of time, doing the thing that you love. That’s the way I want to live.” ~ Will Smith
I think back to the first few weeks of the year. The ones where my schedule was open and I made space for all the good things. I spent minimal–but intentional and impactful–time on freelance work that felt really good. While the rest of my time was dedicated to writing, creating, learning, loving, and living. It was magical. Those days and the nights where I went to bed good and tired, only because I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Full of excitement at the next morning’s possibilities. Those are the feelings I want every day.
Lately, I find myself dragging out the evenings. Not ready to go to sleep and face the neverending to do list and growing responsibilities I’ve taken upon myself. Uninterested in the mundanity of it all and a tugging sense of overwhelm on the horizon, all of my own doing. Mindfulness has allowed me to see the path to this place clearly. Fear. A little uncertainty. A bit of doubt. And a convenient bout of amnesia regarding the things I know to be true. Because the truth of the matter for me is: I don’t like being busy. I avoid the grind at all costs. The hustle makes me uncomfortable. And when I’m faced with all of the above, I often drop the ball.
I thrive in the blank spaces in between. To create and live and breathe and be. Anything else brings me to moments like this.
I’m not upset. I hope that’s able to come across in my tone. Other times I have written in this slump, my tone has been one of desperation, exasperation, and even despair. This is a time of hope and anticipation at my ability to see and change.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
~ John O’Donohue
Most Sundays I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.