Hey friends. Let me start by sharing that I’m in one of those weird spaces again. I wrote about “being here” back in April where I talked about the roller coaster known as life and what it means to have it all figured out. Where I came to the realization that it’s all a journey, not a destination. With the moments of clarity serving as brief stops along the way. Yea, definitely in between those stops right now.
I always know when I’ve shifted from a place of comfort to a place of distress by how my body is acting. That might sound weird, because you’d think I’d just know but in the hustle and bustle of mom life with three kids, a husband, and trying to keep the lights on…sometimes I miss it.
Unfortunately for me, and I’m sure many other people can relate, when I’m in some kind of turmoil my body has no issues letting me know. And my body, because it’s a part of me, is dramatic.
First, I’m tired. And not just regular tired but like, no amount of sleep is enough tired. Then I feel physically exhausted. This stage is interesting because it’s almost like I’m physically fighting against something, even know the battle’s in my head somewhere. That’s how exhausted my body feels. Next, I’m lashing out. Hubs gets the brunt of this one. Sorry babe. But thankfully for me, he’s my complete opposite, can see it coming from a mile away and has a level of chill that I
envy admire. And finally, my anxiety goes from manageable to panic attack and then I’m like “Ohhhhh. Okay. Somethings not right.”
This time, that “something” was simply not knowing what I wanted to do anymore…And completely freaking the f*ck out and shutting down because of it.
There was a time, where I can honestly say that my dream was to be a full time blogger. That’s what I was working toward. In my head, everything else, the full time job, the freelancing, the side hustles were all just a means to an end. But now? After changing blogs, making plans, months of research, and fighting against who I actually am as a person, I realized…maybe that’s not what I want. And I think the hardest part of realizing that what you’ve been working toward might not be what you want anymore, is the WTF moment that happens when it finally hits you.
There are stages to this WTF moment that I won’t get into for lack of time, but I definitely went through the emotions of feeling like I wasted time, feeling lost, wanting to give up on the whole thing, being angry with myself, feeling like a failure, not to mention who has time to be starting over AGAIN. Not me.
So, though I’m still very much working through this whole thing, trying to get to the next stop of clarity, there are a couple things I wanted to share.
I’m not leaving this blog. I love blogging and what I’m learning is that I can love something and do something whole heartedly, without putting pressure on it. The reality is, I’ve found a way to make a living that stems from doing something that I love and am good at (writing). Being a freelance beauty writer isn’t my passion but it’s cool. I can do it on my own terms, I make my schedule, and control my own income. Which is what I ultimately REALLY wanted. But blogging, like I’ve been doing here on This Brown Queen, is different. It’s more of a creative, soulful outlet. A place where I can just write. I don’t need to put the pressure on it to figure out how to make it the thing, to monetize it, to do anything but let it just be and evolve as I do. It can just be a thing I love, that I do because I love it. No pressure. *This Marie TV episode with Elizabeth Gilbert explains this in greater detail. A must watch if you find yourself in this space.
Which brings me to…it’s okay to reset. After I was enlightened by the fact that I could let my beauty writing pay the bills and let my blog just be, I realized that I had to pivot a bit. I had to refocus on things, make different choices, manage my time (and coins) differently, and embrace this new freedom I’d given myself with the blog. That can be hard…But, I love how when you’re going through something and searching for affirmation the most, it shows up right where you need it. Right around this light bulb moment, Necole Kane of xoNecole shared a real video opening up about her new beginning. Not the sugar coated, sweet version so many people love to share when it comes to their journey. But the raw, tears, this sh*t didn’t go as planned version. I felt her in that video. My new blog didn’t go at all as I planned. My freelance career hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park. And while neither of those were as extreme as Necole’s experience, it helps to know that this is a real part of life that you go through. Especially when you’re trying to create a life that you truly love. If you haven’t watched the video, you should, but if not, I’ll just leave you with this:
It’s okay to reset as many times as you need to. ~ Necole Kane