Aptly titling this one feelings because I’ve said the word “feel” more times than normal for me. I’m sure you know by now I feel all the things all the time. And so to be fair, this is no different…just more.
I truly was not ready for the holidays this year. If we take it back to October, I was the mom telling my kiddos that we were going to make Halloween costumes and it would be epic. We had plans. Lists and details and all those things. And yet, I found myself rushing down the aisles of Party City on Halloween (cringe) buying the last of a too small minion costume and an over priced lego one. I feel like we had barely finished up the last candy from the very brief walk around the neighborhood (that I basically had to drag myself out of bed to do) before Thanksgiving was here.
I had been toying with the idea of heading to the mountains for the weekend. Ditching the “traditional” thing that’s never really been tradition for me all. Growing up in a blended/broken(?) family means every year, you’re bound to end up somewhere for else for the holidays. I had visions of spending the weekend in a cabin by a fire with the husband, kids, food, and wine. Sounds magical right? But I just thought about it, tricking myself into thinking I had more time than I did. And once it became too late for that to be a reality, or at least, that’s what I told myself, I had settled on just having a small dinner at home. I’ve only cooked Thanksgiving dinner once before and really enjoyed it so it seemed like a good idea. Until there I was the Monday before with no menu, no groceries, and stressed with some work we’re doing on our kitchen. We wound up ditching that plan too.
Now, here I am feeling like Christmas will be here in the blink of an eye. By this time, I typically have up all the decorations, am playing Christmas music all day long, and making plans for the family to enjoy this month. We celebrate Kwanzaa too so the last couple weeks of December are always my favorite. And yet, here I am, feeling like I have been all season, so behind. Unprepared. Not ready.
I’m not sure where the magic has gone this season. I feel like this is just another page in this weird chapter of my life that I’ve been reading.
Maybe it’s perspective. Maybe it’s intentions. Maybe it’s a disconnect. Most likely it’s a combination of the three. Looking at life, my journey, and my present through a jaded lens. Having the wrong intentions behind my actions. And the huge disconnect between what I want and what I actually do. I feel like this has been a season with the recurring message of “doing the most and getting nothing done” or “doing the most and getting nowhere” or “doing the most of the wrong things”.
I’m not sure how to fix it, but I recognize it’s there. I feel like I need to make a major change. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and thoughts about what exactly that change may be have been running wild in my mind.
I hope none of this sounds ungrateful. The truth of how blessed I am and God’s grace is not lost on me. There’s just something going on beneath the surface that has me feeling a bit lost and I’m praying I find my way soon. For now, I’ll look towards the season of magic and wonder in hopes it’ll light the way.
Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.