Yesterday, I posted a piece of work that was essentially me brimming to the edge with creative revelation, energy, and needing to express all that was bubbling within before I burst. It was random, as those kind of posts usually are, but unlike my last stream of thoughts, I provided no explanation as I felt my words alone would suffice. Today though, as my mind has settled and I have come to terms with my thoughts and feelings, I’d like to dig deeper.
Earlier this week, I had lunch and a cup of coffee with my best friend. Our goal was to get outside our normal work environments–my home and her office–to discuss creative life, building businesses, and chasing dreams. Instead, it was a therapy session of sorts that was full of epiphanies and revelations about myself, the path I thought I wanted to explore, and a truth I’d been afraid to admit to myself. Both my conversation with her and an even more “spirited” dialogue with my husband earlier that morning, led to me to uncover some feelings that I couldn’t quite explain on my own. They were stirring, just below the surface, under the facade of feeling good and appearing outwardly successful. Behind the curtain of Instagram bios and professional titles. There was a restless anxiety that I never let myself explore for reasons I’ll explain in a moment.
What I discovered that day was that I was feeling resentful. And as much as I want to add the “for lack of a better word” here, the truth is what it is.
So how did I get here? Well, if you get my newsletter you have a little insight into this current season of my life (for context, you can see it here and subscribe if you’d like). I’ve been approaching creative burnout for some time, whether I wanted to admit that to myself or not. And not only was I feeling the physical and emotional effects of burnout, but I also wasn’t seeing any fruits from this labor that was causing me so much stress.
I had been hustling backwards and grinding hard for everyone except for myself.
It took me some time to actually verbalize that. My nature as a true nurturer has always caused me to place the needs of others before my own. And somewhere, deep down, I had feelings of guilt or selfishness at the thought of focusing on me, myself, and the creations I wanted to bring into this world.
I had begun to feel resentful, and it was no ones fault but my own.
Crops was me expressing those feelings. And while I will say, I am not proud of feeling them, I am glad they were revealed to me. I’ve been able to peel back the layers in understanding the deeper issues that created them. This false belief that it’s…not okay to use the gifts God’s blessed me with for myself. It’s still a battle in my mind. There are parts of me that want to apologize. Parts of me that don’t want to come across as selfish. I blame it on the nurturer in me but I know there are things imbedded deeper still. But there’s a greater part of me that assures me this is right and that’s the voice I choose to listen too. It’s time to tend my own garden. ~xoxo
Every Sunday I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me, things I think might resonate with you, and a lesson from the journey.