Not all who wander are lost. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien
No matter how hard I try, I’m just not good at wandering. I wish I was though because I’m almost certain that being good at wandering would help with me always feeling so…lost.
I have a notebook in my Evernote app simply called Am Writing. It’s where I store all my thoughts and ideas. The ones that come to me while I’m standing in line at Target or in the middle of an elementary school drop off. Am Writing is full of thoughts. Some complete, many not, but all full of depth. Lessons learned and those soon to be discovered. Answers to questions I haven’t had yet. Memories and details. Rants and unfinished sentences. That’s what Am Writing is…that’s who I am when I am writing.
It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with this gift of mine. I’ve blogged about it before. I’ve ignored it. I’ve hated it. I’ve been confused by it and empowered by it. Many times at the same damn time. It is my soul’s greatest mystery. How curious to be so completely unsure of how to handle something that you know is meant for you.
Lately, I’ve felt compelled to write like never before. And for once, quite terrifyingly actually, the words have escaped me. Well, more like they have hidden from me. They have been inside me as I can feel them. Yes, physically feel them. Like an invisible object, pressing against an imaginary bottom of my throat. It’s been real, as I struggle with this very physical reaction to an obstacle that exists only in my mind. To get out the words, stirring below the surface, causing all types of mayhem and drama as they struggle to break free. And me, feeling so helpless as I try physical methods to release them from their prisons. I do such meaningless things like clearing my throat in hopes they can come to the surface or taking a nap anxiously anticipating their release as I rest. And for days–which is a lifetime when writing is what you do for survival–I’ve been feeling like I’m silently yelling into a black hole.
I’ve have started to understand that I’m meant to write. And that reality scares me because, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that self knowledge. I’m meant to write what? Share what? Release what? Do you know how insane it feels to know you’re supposed to do something but you don’t know exactly what that is or how to go about it? It’s a feeling that I’ve never known before and it’s enough to have the words to explain hide themselves from you.
But, the words came to me today. And I immediately set them free. To explain why I’m feeling the way I do. To ensure that it’s all part of the process. To remind that these experiences are preparing me for the work I am called to do. To affirm that I’m on time, even though I feel far behind. I set the words free and I feel good about letting them go. Now, I have the space to explore, once again, my soul’s greatest mystery. One step closer to understanding…
Once a month I share a letter from my journey with those on my email list. WELL SPENT is part things I’ve come across that inspire me and things I think might resonate with you. It’s also part lesson learned for good measure. And a few extra tidbits along the way. Mostly stuff that didn’t make it here or that I’m too nervous to share on the blog. You know, things I keep for the people who are in this with me ;).